As expected, we still have our moments. Some days are better than others. Sundays are hard for Eshell. Any day that I have time to dwell on the loss of Isaiah is hard for me. Yesterday happened to be one of them. I met Eshell and the kids for lunch. On my way back to work I lost it. Then I lost it again on my way home from work.
The notes, cards, phone calls and e-mails have been a real blessing. Also, we know that we still have tons of prayer coverage; for which we are very thankful. Thanks to all who read my last post and commented; either through the comments or through phone/e-mail/cards. To get things out like this helps me heal. The story of the Shunammite woman has also helped. Read it in 2 Kings 4. She only ever wanted a child. The Lord blessed her with one. Then he died. She ran in desperation to the man of God (Elisha) and fell vexed at his feet. The Lord chose to raise the child up, but before He did, she exclaimed "It is well".
After things have had a chance to settle down, my mind has also struggled with thoughts like: "Did you really do all that you could have done?" I know it seems completely nonsensical, but it has plagued me. I remember a couple years ago when Regan Clem posted about the loss of his twins (I wish I could find that post). He struggled with some of the same feelings. Could I have prayed a different way? Maybe I should have prayed for Eshell more earnestly and her bleeding would have stopped, letting the baby stay in longer. I knew at the time that I was completely helpless to do anything in my own power and strength. That's why I gave it God at that time. Why now do I try to take it back from God?
I know that what happened, happened for a reason. I also know that it happened for our good (Romans 8:28). (That last sentence was hard to write and is even harder to understand.) We may never know why or how on this earth. But we still trust God and His plan for us.
We are doing well, but prayers are still much appreciated. Thanks for all of the support!
Troy
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Saturday, September 08, 2007
Another Soldier Down
We've lost another soldier in the war. You won't hear about him on the news. He was actually to be a soldier-in-training. The war wasn't for oil, or to overthrow a dictator. This was a much more important war. This was a future soldier in THE WAR. The war of Biblical proportions. The war of good versus evil. He was to be trained up in the Spirit and in Truth. He would be as an arrow in the hands of a mighty warrior. He would do great things for the Mighty King. But the King saw fit to call him from service. Now he sits at the King's own banqueting table. Although he left a family that loved him, he now entertains a company that loves him more. A company who knew like no other what was best for him. The very company that created his entire being. The company that knit him together in his mothers womb. The company that breathed the breath of life into his nostrils and lungs. This is the company that called him home.
Sunday, September 2, 2007, I was in the shower getting ready for church. Eshell came in and was chatting with me about typical stuff. Just as I was finishing up she said "I'm bleeding".
We knew from an early ultrasound that she had complete placenta previa; which means here placenta was completely covering her cervix. The doctor gave her some restrictions and said that if the condition didn't correct itself, they would take the baby c-section ten days before her due date (December 21st). They also said that she may experience bleeding (without pain), but this was typically common between 27-34 weeks and that we were to promptly bring her in.
She was now 24 weeks. She was bleeding heavily and was experiencing a lot of pain. I called the OB doctor and they said to bring her to the birthing area of the hospital where they could check her. She managed to make it out to the van and after I confirmed that she and all of the children were buckled in, I proceeded to speed to the hospital. I was driving about 75mph on highway 41 into Marquette with Eshell insisting that we were going to get pulled over. I disregarded her. We then got pulled over. As the State Police officer was walking up along our van, I stuck my drivers license out the window and said "Officer, my wife is hemorrhaging and I need to get her to the hospital". He said "Go ahead" so I took off again.
We got to the hospital, and after a circus show, made our way to the birthing area. The children waited in the waiting area while we got Eshell settled. They would try to get her bleeding under control, but if they couldn't they would have to take the baby via c-section. Things appeared mellow for a while, so I told Eshell that I would take the children home and feed them and let the ministers wife come and sit with them so I could be with her.
I took the children to get a sandwich and took them home. As soon as I got them unloaded I got a call from Eshell saying they were going to take the baby and that they couldn't wait for me to get there. I got the children inside and called the minister and let him know the situation and to have his wife come out and sit with the children. I was then off again to the hospital. I cried and prayed that the Lord would be with them. I prayed "Lord, they came into this world as your children. If you choose to take them now, they'll leave as your children".
I arrived as they were finishing up the procedure. The doctor came in and informed me that Eshell was doing well and that she would spend a few minutes in the recovery room while she was coming around. The baby was stable and was being attended to by the neonatologist. She informed me that he came out fighting at a length of 12 inches and a weight of 1 pound 8 ounces. Isaiah Nathanael would be his name, born at 12:22pm on 09/02/07. The Lord gave that name to Eshell shortly after she gave birth to Susanna two and a half years ago. Eshell recovered, but they had to give her a pint of blood due to her heavy bleeding.
After she came around, we prayed together often. When we were able to see Isaiah, he was in an incubator with wires and hoses running from everywhere. He had a machine breathing for him. We'd seen this before with some of our other children. The difference is, our next smallest child was born weighing 5 pounds 2 ounces. We prayed for a healing to his body, but we also gave him back to the Lord at that time. We had prayed that if the Lord was going to take him, to do it quickly. At about 9:45pm, the doctor came in and said that there was nothing more he could do...our baby was going to die. We had requested that in this situation, we wanted him unhooked from his machines and brought in to us. As I held him, I cried and prayed. I told God that it wasn't too late to perform a miracle. They pronounced him dead at 10:05pm on 09/02/07. God did not let me down. We are not bitter nor angry at God for choosing not to heal our baby. He knows far better, how could we doubt Him? We cried and called out to the Lord to comfort us. I've never felt a pain like I felt when I gave my baby back to the nurse. It felt like she took a part of my being with her. We cried and prayed some more and an amazing peace covered us both. God's Spirit was so evident, we were again comforted. We could both honestly say, and did say, that "It is well with my soul". I spent that night with Eshell in the hospital room.
I got up early the next morning and went home. I wanted to be there when the children woke up. As they woke up, I let them know that mommy was doing fine, but that Isaiah didn't make it through the night. The two oldest took it very hard. The little ones didn't understand. I tried to comfort and pray with them all.
Eshell had the best doctors and the best nurses that I believe I've ever met. They truly made this all easier. Eshell had the nurses and the social worker who were evaluating her mental state in tears. They came to "counsel" her, but as she began to tell of God's goodness, they both wept. They actually let her come home a day early (Tuesday) because they thought she would "heal better at home". And one nurse mentioned to the doctor that she had a great faith in God and that would help her get through. My mom, mother-in-law and father-in-law were all up here for help and support. Between that and our church family...what a blessing! And I know we had prayers coming in from all over. What a comfort to know you're smothered in prayers of the saints.
We had the funeral for the baby on Friday. I thought it would be difficult. I had given the baby's spirit to God as he lay in my arms on Sunday night. Now I would give his body to the grave. Eshell and I prayed before going to the funeral. The minister did a beautiful job, and God was faithful and comforted us. We cried when the ministers wife sang "It Is Well" at the graveside. I'm sure we'll have our moments of sorrow. I'm sure things will jog our memory of the small amount of time we got to spend with him. But we will always remember the grace that God gave us to get through this.
On Wednesday when I was finally able to turn on some music again, I had the Isaac's family CD in the car stereo. The song with the same title as this post came on and it ministered to me as did several songs on the CD. Hard to imagine bluegrass music ministering. The specific lyrics that touched me was "the fight before the victory; the cross before the crown". This is a bump in the road to the victory. The victory that Isaiah is already enjoying. Please pray that God would continue His mercy on this family. That we would not begin to doubt Him. We do serve a God that has the power to heal, but will comfort when He doesn't. Praise Him for His divine will and grace.
Sunday, September 2, 2007, I was in the shower getting ready for church. Eshell came in and was chatting with me about typical stuff. Just as I was finishing up she said "I'm bleeding".
We knew from an early ultrasound that she had complete placenta previa; which means here placenta was completely covering her cervix. The doctor gave her some restrictions and said that if the condition didn't correct itself, they would take the baby c-section ten days before her due date (December 21st). They also said that she may experience bleeding (without pain), but this was typically common between 27-34 weeks and that we were to promptly bring her in.
She was now 24 weeks. She was bleeding heavily and was experiencing a lot of pain. I called the OB doctor and they said to bring her to the birthing area of the hospital where they could check her. She managed to make it out to the van and after I confirmed that she and all of the children were buckled in, I proceeded to speed to the hospital. I was driving about 75mph on highway 41 into Marquette with Eshell insisting that we were going to get pulled over. I disregarded her. We then got pulled over. As the State Police officer was walking up along our van, I stuck my drivers license out the window and said "Officer, my wife is hemorrhaging and I need to get her to the hospital". He said "Go ahead" so I took off again.
We got to the hospital, and after a circus show, made our way to the birthing area. The children waited in the waiting area while we got Eshell settled. They would try to get her bleeding under control, but if they couldn't they would have to take the baby via c-section. Things appeared mellow for a while, so I told Eshell that I would take the children home and feed them and let the ministers wife come and sit with them so I could be with her.
I took the children to get a sandwich and took them home. As soon as I got them unloaded I got a call from Eshell saying they were going to take the baby and that they couldn't wait for me to get there. I got the children inside and called the minister and let him know the situation and to have his wife come out and sit with the children. I was then off again to the hospital. I cried and prayed that the Lord would be with them. I prayed "Lord, they came into this world as your children. If you choose to take them now, they'll leave as your children".
I arrived as they were finishing up the procedure. The doctor came in and informed me that Eshell was doing well and that she would spend a few minutes in the recovery room while she was coming around. The baby was stable and was being attended to by the neonatologist. She informed me that he came out fighting at a length of 12 inches and a weight of 1 pound 8 ounces. Isaiah Nathanael would be his name, born at 12:22pm on 09/02/07. The Lord gave that name to Eshell shortly after she gave birth to Susanna two and a half years ago. Eshell recovered, but they had to give her a pint of blood due to her heavy bleeding.
After she came around, we prayed together often. When we were able to see Isaiah, he was in an incubator with wires and hoses running from everywhere. He had a machine breathing for him. We'd seen this before with some of our other children. The difference is, our next smallest child was born weighing 5 pounds 2 ounces. We prayed for a healing to his body, but we also gave him back to the Lord at that time. We had prayed that if the Lord was going to take him, to do it quickly. At about 9:45pm, the doctor came in and said that there was nothing more he could do...our baby was going to die. We had requested that in this situation, we wanted him unhooked from his machines and brought in to us. As I held him, I cried and prayed. I told God that it wasn't too late to perform a miracle. They pronounced him dead at 10:05pm on 09/02/07. God did not let me down. We are not bitter nor angry at God for choosing not to heal our baby. He knows far better, how could we doubt Him? We cried and called out to the Lord to comfort us. I've never felt a pain like I felt when I gave my baby back to the nurse. It felt like she took a part of my being with her. We cried and prayed some more and an amazing peace covered us both. God's Spirit was so evident, we were again comforted. We could both honestly say, and did say, that "It is well with my soul". I spent that night with Eshell in the hospital room.
I got up early the next morning and went home. I wanted to be there when the children woke up. As they woke up, I let them know that mommy was doing fine, but that Isaiah didn't make it through the night. The two oldest took it very hard. The little ones didn't understand. I tried to comfort and pray with them all.
Eshell had the best doctors and the best nurses that I believe I've ever met. They truly made this all easier. Eshell had the nurses and the social worker who were evaluating her mental state in tears. They came to "counsel" her, but as she began to tell of God's goodness, they both wept. They actually let her come home a day early (Tuesday) because they thought she would "heal better at home". And one nurse mentioned to the doctor that she had a great faith in God and that would help her get through. My mom, mother-in-law and father-in-law were all up here for help and support. Between that and our church family...what a blessing! And I know we had prayers coming in from all over. What a comfort to know you're smothered in prayers of the saints.
We had the funeral for the baby on Friday. I thought it would be difficult. I had given the baby's spirit to God as he lay in my arms on Sunday night. Now I would give his body to the grave. Eshell and I prayed before going to the funeral. The minister did a beautiful job, and God was faithful and comforted us. We cried when the ministers wife sang "It Is Well" at the graveside. I'm sure we'll have our moments of sorrow. I'm sure things will jog our memory of the small amount of time we got to spend with him. But we will always remember the grace that God gave us to get through this.
On Wednesday when I was finally able to turn on some music again, I had the Isaac's family CD in the car stereo. The song with the same title as this post came on and it ministered to me as did several songs on the CD. Hard to imagine bluegrass music ministering. The specific lyrics that touched me was "the fight before the victory; the cross before the crown". This is a bump in the road to the victory. The victory that Isaiah is already enjoying. Please pray that God would continue His mercy on this family. That we would not begin to doubt Him. We do serve a God that has the power to heal, but will comfort when He doesn't. Praise Him for His divine will and grace.
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